Have you ever found yourself pushing your own limits to please someone else?
Do you struggle to say no, even when you’re overwhelmed?
You might be a people pleaser.
Okay, but what exactly is a “people pleaser”?
This term is often used to describe people who are always trying to please others, even at the expense of their own well-being.
As a millennial, who aims to share not only fashion tips but also topics relevant to our generation, I think this issue is worth exploring and reflecting on.
The excessive need to please others can have serious consequences for both mental and physical health, impacting both personal and professional life. In this post, I’ve decided to explore the impact of this behaviour in the workplace.
As a Brazilian immigrant with years of experience working in Brazil and now living in the UK, I’ve found it quite challenging to adjust to the work culture here, especially when it comes to setting boundaries.
In Brazil, the idea of turning down a request from a boss or colleague felt almost unimaginable. Prioritising my own tasks and setting limits seemed incompatible with the idea of being a good professional and a team player.
However, after working in the UK and with colleagues from various backgrounds, I’ve started to notice a very different approach in the workplace. British colleagues, for instance, are often very clear about their boundaries. They typically only do what’s required of them and don’t hesitate to say no when necessary—even if they technically could take on more work.
In contrast, in work environments with more Brazilians, I’ve observed the same pattern of always saying yes, especially to superiors. This is often coupled with a lack of awareness about things like work-life balance and employment rights in the UK.
What causes someone to be a people pleaser?
- Fear of conflict or job insecurity: In countries like Brazil, where there’s often a “Yes” culture, which can be rooted in fear of job loss or negative consequences, many employees feel that saying no could put their jobs at risk, especially in hierarchical work environments where managers hold significant power. This creates a work culture where employees are afraid to challenge or question their superiors, even when they’re overwhelmed.
- Childhood experiences: Growing up, many of us were taught to be polite, respect authority, and avoid questioning figures of power. This is ingrained so deeply that, in the workplace, we often view our boss as someone who shouldn’t be challenged.
- Fear of loneliness: The desire to fit in and be liked by others can also play a role. Many people pleasers fear being isolated or rejected if they say no to something they don’t agree with or feel is unreasonable. Low self-esteem can also be a factor—believing people will only like or value you if you do what they ask.
What risks does this behaviour pose to our health?
Whether driven by a desire to be liked or from deeper insecurities, the consequences of being a people pleaser can be significant. These include:
- Anxiety: The constant pressure to meet others’ needs can create a sense of anxiety and stress#
- Low self-esteem: Trying to please everyone is unrealistic and can lead to feelings of inadequacy when it’s impossible to meet everyone’s expectations.
- Resentment and isolation: Over time, people pleasers may become resentful, realising that others don’t always reciprocate the same care and consideration. This can lead to emotional isolation and burnout from constantly prioritising the needs of others over their own.
How to stop being a people pleaser?
This advice is based on my own experiences, keeping in mind that I’m not a therapist.
- Identify the behaviour: Start by asking yourself: Am I putting my own priorities aside to please my boss or a colleague? Is this affecting my work performance or my personal life?
- Understand your limits: Draw a line between being helpful and going beyond what’s reasonable. What triggers this behaviour?
- Start with small steps: Identify where you can set boundaries. For example, you might say, “To do this, I’d have to stay late, and I’m unable to today,” or “This task is beyond my current capacity and would require more time and research. Given my current workload, I’m not sure I can handle everything.”
These are just examples, but they can serve as a starting point for setting healthy boundaries. - Seek professional help: I’m a big advocate for counseling. In my opinion, everyone could benefit from it. If work is affecting your overall well-being, seeking professional help is essential. Don’t hesitate to talk to someone who can guide you through these challenges.
Finally, I believe we need to focus on building our self-esteem and realise that saying NO when we’re overwhelmed or when a task doesn’t fall within our job description doesn’t make us bad professionals. Many managers, who lack leadership skills, take advantage of employees who have people-pleasing tendencies, creating toxic environments.
It’s important to remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s an act of self-love. By setting boundaries and saying no when necessary, you’re investing in your mental health and your long-term career success.
